Siblings of Adults with Special Needs & Disabilities
Many sibs go their entire lives being overlooked because of the magnitude of their sibling’s challenges.
I see you.
There are so many services for children and adults with special needs & disabilities. Including their caregivers.
But there are so few for their siblings.
Your experience matters.
Siblings of disabled children and adults experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, and PTSD than the general population.
You love your sibling. And that love is complex.
Both things are true and you've probably spent most of your life struggling to say the second part out loud.
The story your family tells, the story the world tells, centers your sibling. Their needs, their struggles, their care.
And you learned early that your job was to be fine. To not add to the weight. To be the easy one.
You've been the easy one for a long time. But it can be a painful experience.
There are so many services for children and adults with special needs, disabilities, and mental illness. Including their caregivers. But there are so few for their siblings.
It’s important to me to fill this gap.
Being a sib can mean a broad range of experience
You had to be the responsible one. The one who didn't need as much.
You became excellent at figuring things out independently because your parents were stretched so thin. For many sibs, asking for help can feel like one more thing you're adding to your parents’ impossible load.
This isn’t because you wanted to be super independent, but it was out of necessity.
Over time, you probably became pretty good at taking up very little space. To manage your emotions before they became anyone else's “problem.” To shrink your needs down to a size that felt acceptable given everything else going on.
For some sibs, it can look different than the above:
Maybe you were parentified in ways that were never named as such. Taking on responsibilities for your sibling's care, acting as an emotional support for your parents, becoming a miniature adult before you were ready.
Nobody talks about how this can follow you into adulthood. Into your relationships, your work, the way you still reflexively put everyone else first and feel guilty the moment you don't.
Here are some common themes I see in my work with sibs:
It’s important to note that no two experiences of sibs look the same, so you may resonate with some things here but not others. This is okay and it’s normal. Each family handles disability differently.
Unspoken expectations for you to be "low maintenance." Your parents didn’t have the same threshold for your challenges. Or they expressed relief when they’re with you. But you were a child too. You needed care, attention, and space to have your own feelings.
Feeling neglected or forgotten. In the sea of appointments and services for your sibling, your needs may not have been addressed. Oftentimes, special events can only be attended by one parent, because your sibling needed attending to.
You became a born caregiver. In some families, siblings take on a caregiving role from an early age. Some welcome this and some don't, but many feel like they didn't have a true choice. Many siblings also grow up knowing early on that they will be the ones to take care of their sibling when their parents are gone. This is another situation where siblings have mixed feelings, and sometimes it's about grieving the fact that you didn't get a choice.
You carried early and lifelong worries. What if your sibling gets bullied? Who will take care of them when your parents die? Do they get home care or go to a group home? Worry about your sibling is normal and it is truly yours to carry, even when other people don't understand that.
Your friends didn't get it and they still might not. It is hard to understand what it's like being a sib unless you've lived it. It’s also hard to describe in a way that people can really understand. It’s tough to hear feedback from friends, like “that’s for your parents to worry about” because it’s just not that simple.
The typical childhood lessons didn't apply. When other kids were learning to share, you knew yours couldn't learn to share. Other families had straightforward consequences for misbehavior. Your family had to take entirely different approaches with therapists and support staff. Your childhood had a different rulebook and most people never knew it. This can also lead to confusion and mixed expectations between school and home.
Your own neurodivergence may have been overlooked. Many siblings are also neurodivergent or have their own disability. Because your challenges were not as "severe," they may have been under-treated or missed entirely. As an adult, you're now trying to figure it out alongside everything else.
It’s stigmatized to express strong negative feelings about someone who can’t help it.
There is a specific emotional landscape that comes with being the sibling of someone with a significant disability or severe autism. They can be hard to say out loud, especially to someone that doesn’t understand.
Resentment. This is the one people are usually most afraid to say out loud. Resentment toward your sibling, toward your parents, toward a childhood that asked so much of you. Resentment doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person who dealt with complex circumstances when their brain wasn’t developed yet.
Guilt. Guilt for having a life your sibling may never have. OR guilt for having boundaries. For moving away, building a career, falling in love, having children. Every milestone you have pulls you further away from them. Prioritizing your own family in adulthood brings forward a lot of guilt.
Shame. I typically see shame expressed in one of two ways: shame for feeling so negatively about their sibling or feeling shame about their sibling’s behavior out in public. Many sibs went to the same school as their disabled sibling, which meant they were forever connected to the behaviors their classmates saw. The embarrassment and shame from the judgement of classmates can be very intense to experience.
Grief. Grief for the sibling relationship you didn't get to have. For the childhood that was shaped so completely by circumstances outside anyone's control. Grief when you saw other families do “normal” things after school and on weekends.
Anxiety about the future. What happens when your parents can no longer provide care? What is your role? Is there a trust? These are real, practical, and emotionally loaded questions that a lot of siblings quietly carry. Some parents are cooperative and sensitive to this and others aren’t.
This is your space.
You don't have to justify why you're here.
Siblings are one of the most underserved populations in therapy. The conversation about disability almost always centers the person with the diagnosis and their primary caregivers. Siblings fall through the gap often. Or services for sibs are inconsistent.
This is a space where your experience is the one that gets centered. Where you don't have to manage how your feelings land or make sure you're being fair to everyone else in the story.
You can just be honest about what it's actually been like.
Working with Morgan
I work with adult siblings of people with physical disabilities, severe autism, and significant intellectual disabilities in California and Virginia. This is a specialty I am deeply passionate about as it’s often misunderstood or missed entirely.
My approach is direct, warm, and practically grounded. We will go to the hard places in this work but always with curiosity, compassion, and respect for everything you've already carried.
Telehealth sessions are available across California and Virginia. In-person sessions are available in Newport Beach, CA.
Ready to give it a shot?
The Unique Experience of Siblings of Adults and Children with Special Needs and Disabilities
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Must be "perfect" or "low maintenance"
Your parents have “enough on their plate” so you become the “easy” one, the one perfect sibling who didn’t need anything.
But you were a child, too. You needed care, attention, and space to have your own feelings. -
Feeling neglected or forgotten
In the sea of appointments and services for your sibling, your needs may not have been addressed.
Sometimes appointments for the sib fall to the wayside, or special events can only be attended by one parent or a grandparent, because their disabled sibling needed attending to. -
A born caregiver
In some families, sibs take on a caregiving role from an early age. Some sibs welcome this and some sibs don’t - but many feel like they didn’t have a true choice.
Many sibs also grow up knowing early on that they will be the ones to take care of their siblings when their parents die. This is another situation where sibs have mixed feelings - sometimes it’s about grieving the fact that you didn’t get a choice. -
Early and lifelong worries
What if your disabled sibling gets bullied? Who will take care of them when your parents die? Do they get home care, or go to a group home? What services do they need?
At the end of the day, you’re family. Worry about your special needs sibling is normal. Sometimes, this isn’t understood very well by other people who don’t “get it.” -
Your friends don't get it
It’s hard to understand what it’s like being a sib. It is truly a unique experience.
It’s hard to hear friends say things like, “that’s for your parents to worry about, not you!” or “just go to your room, or low contact with them” - it’s not that simple. -
Common early life lessons cannot apply to you
When other kids were learning to share between their brothers and sisters, you knew that your sibling physically could not learn to share.
Other families saw straightforward consequences for misbehavior - your family had to take different approaches with therapists or other support staff. -
Your own neurodivergence
Many sibs are also neurodivergent or have their own disability. Many people don’t realize this.
Because your challenges were not as “severe” - they may have been under-treated. As an adult, you’re now trying to figure it out.
Additional Resources for Sibs